So yeah, what is love when it comes to Second Life? When I first posed the question to myself the first thought that came to me was those head bobbing skits that SNL put on. The skit portrays a slick bare chested fella coming up to some hapless woman with some one-liner that you've heard before, over and over again with the song “what is love” banging away in the background. The irony about this is that in many cases I've seen that same art of the pickup applied to me regardless if it’s from a man or woman avatar in our virtual world too. And yeah, in some cases the bare chest is on a woman.
In Second Life as in the SNL skit, love was not really a factor in the blossoming courtship at hand. Lust was probably the stronger motivating emotion driving many of these impending train wrecks. But sometimes, not often, but sometimes those trains heading for that cliff don’t crash and burn but explode in a frenzy of emotion. Even though the aggressor acts like a proverbial coyote painted the train tunnel on the mountain and the road runner, for reasons unknown, ran right through it. We don’t know why this miracle happens and we don’t ask. But here is the real interesting part about love in Second Life, we… are… cartoons!!
So what ignited that spark to draw an interest? My personal experiences in our virtual
universe always lead me to question this.
Is my avatar that sexy? Does she
interest you that much? When I’m
approached I usually get these three basic questions;
1. How old are you – My profile says I’m about five
and one-half years old. Oh you mean how
old am I in my real life?
2.Where do I live – Well I have this really nice
little 8192 sqm corner plot on a private island sim. Oh you mean where do I live in real life?
3. Am I really a woman – How can I not be a woman?
I have cleavage from my neck to my legs! Oh you are asking if I am a woman in
real life.
Don’t think of these questions as trivial. In every case when I get that unsolicited IM
and these three questions come I realize this person that wants to know about
me isn't interested in Sedona and her life.
This person is interested in Sedona’s Puppeteer, in other words, me. So this begs another question. If my avatar was not appealing visually would
this same person still contact me? I
think not. But am I wrong about my cynic
viewpoint here regarding first encounters?
The conundrum I find myself here is why does this person
want to know about my real life when the initial attraction is most likely Sed’s
physical appearance? I’m sure we can
talk about the obvious answers around the certainty of my real life womanhood
and my suitor’s issues with their own sexuality. But that discussion would lead my rant on
love off of the rails. Or would it? I’m one of those crazy people that does put a
little bit of something about my real life in my profile. I do this in hopes that I don’t get those
basic three questions that much. It doesn't help. But when I do get asked
about my real life I usually point people to my profile. And then it gets interesting!
In my profile I have a real life picture of me and yeah, I
made sure it was a nice one of me. What
usually then happens is interest in me becomes very significant, not Sedona,
but me. Sometimes the offers for sex
range from the innocuous “let me show you my place” (yeah I learned what that
really means in real life) to just a simple abrupt “I want to fuck you let’s go
now”. At this point you’re probably
asking yourself “what is this dizzy bitch Sedona trying to convey to me, get to
the point”. My point is that even though
in many cases somebody is just looking for a cheap thrill with a woman in real
life, what got their attention is Sedona the avatar and in some cases they may
be looking for more than a cheap thrill.
They may be looking for a virtual relationship and in those rare cases,
hopefully something that translates into a real life relationship.
If you think I am nuts ask a friend that is in a virtual
relationship or examine your own.
Exactly how did it start? The ice
had to be broken somehow. And I’m sure a
hot looking avatar probably helps. While
we see the avatar and that spawns the initial interest what many of us are looking
for in a virtual relationship is a real life lover. Maybe not physically, not initially but in
soul, spirit and mind what holds our attractions for each other in Second Life
is not the hot avatar. In the end the
real interest of a relationship lies in the puppeteer pulling those
strings. In many ways love in Second
Life, in the long run, is very similar to love in real life. While the eye candy is nice initially it’s
really the person inside that we all fall in love with.
So if my assumption is right, love in a relationship in
Second Life is really the same in many ways as love in a relationship in real
life and if so why do many Second Life relationships fail so quickly? Well probably because in real life they do to
and most likely for the same reasons.
People can fall out of love as quickly as they fall in love. So is there any difference in how we love
each other in Second Life in regards to how we love each other in real life? Ignoring the obvious physical differences in
how we love each other virtually (and I really hope that virtual reality solves
that problem before I get too old to not care any longer) how we fall in love
and feel for each other can feel the same for some people but not in all. One of the realities I learned early in my
second life is that there are two extremes when it comes to how people interact
with each other here. Like everything
else in the world I've given them labels.
They are the “Realist” and the “Role Player”.
Now understand I feel these are the two extremes with most
of us falling somewhere in the middle of the scale. The Realist brings their real life with them
into Second Life. They feel their avatar
is an extension of their real selves.
Many times you hear them say “Avatars have real feelings too”. This is the mark of a true realist. The Role Player on the other hand thinks of
Second Life not so much a simulation of real life social interactions but more
of a game. A place where they can be
someone they would not most likely be in real life. They look for the fantasy element in Second
Life and don’t take their virtual lives too seriously.
We all have a bit of both in each and every one of us. For me, I feel I’m about half way leaning on
the realist side. I bring my real life
into conversations. I take my
relationship with my partner Sky seriously and think about her every day in my
real life. I discuss my real life family
with my close friends and as you can tell from my writings I interchange my use
of Sedona and myself in conversation.
However, I also love the fantasy elements of Second Life. It’s not so much that I don’t have to worry
about periods or cellulite but that I can express myself in any fashion that I
wish or try just about any fantasy that would like to explore. And for those that know me they know that I have.
Everybody falls somewhere in this scale and depending where
you do can have some serious implications about how you feel about virtual
relationships. What is even more
interesting is when the role player begins a relationship with a realist. This usually ends up in disaster. Many times Sed's shoulder has had tears
applied to it from that realist who realized that their role playing partner
really didn't feel the same way they did about the relationship. While this can also happen in our real lives,
we even call those types “players”, it can usually be detected by most of us
early in the dating period. But here in
the virtual world that successful player detection can be significantly more difficult. This is where I feel love in Second Life can
be dangerous for those that don’t realize some think “it’s just a game”.
Where this becomes even more tenuous is that people in the
virtual world can take on completely different identities in the form of
alts. This has serious ramifications as
now your partner can cheat on you and there is for the most part no way you can
know or find out. For the role player
this really isn’t an issue. The pure
role player again doesn't believe the social interactions they have tie to
their own reality. Any feelings they
would portray would all be a part of the role.
However, the realist allows their feelings for their partner to migrate
into their real life. That partnership
has true meaning in their real life and carries with it the emotional baggage
similar to a true real life relationship.
In most cases the relationship is not as strong as a real life one but
in some, it can be. These can have the
potential to allow the virtual relationship to then move into the real world.
So to finish off my babbling about love let’s bring home the
bacon and talk about the variations from these extremes. One thing I see among friends and perving
profiles is that many people have relationships that are more like a “friends
with benefits” aspect. This aligns very
well to the same real world instance of the same name. In this case there is probably some realist
aspect to the relationship in that there is a mutual trust between the two sex
partners. Is love really involved? Possibly yes.
In both the virtual world and the real world many times two people that
take on this type of courtship involves one of them that is actually in love
with the other. However the other wants
to keep the relationship platonic. Most
of us know how these turn out.
Another common theme I see in the virtual world but not in
the real world as much is the three-way love affair or a slant on that theme,
open relationships. Oh sure, three-ways
are somewhat common in the real world.
But in truth the percentage of real three-way relationships is quite
small while in Second Life it’s very common when looking at it per capita. Ask around, you’ll find that open partnerships
are extremely common in our virtual world.
In both cases here I believe this phenomenon is due to a mix of the
realist and the role player coming together.
Feelings are shared between the two partners but hey, it’s not like its
actually real right? “It’s all for fun”
is usually the answer you get back if you press why the relationship the two
have is not monogamous.
Here love can be an interesting part of the equation. In many cases both partners do show affection
for each other. However one or both have
moved more to the role player side of the scale and wish to keep the partnership
open. Again this can have ramifications
if one of the partners goes along with the deal so that they can have the
relationship and really bend to the realist side. Eventually feelings can go sour as the
realist leaning partner has to deal with jealousy issues and fear of being left
alone or separated from their lover altogether.
Love in Second Life is in many ways more complex then love
in our real lives. Given that real life
love is bat shit crazy; think of all of the songs, movies, books, poems, news,
scandals, and just general drama real life love has been focused on us and it’s no
wonder virtual love often falls to the same depths of drama too. With all of the added ways people feel not
only about love in general but in how they present it in Second Life it’s a
wonder any of us can keep a relationship for months or even years. I can say I am one of those people that have
been in a long term virtual relationship with my partner Skiler for years
now. Ours is a monogamous relationship
and our rules are simple and have helped us to keep our trust and love for each
other on track. But what really has
helped us is that that our boundaries are clear and we both accept them. If either one of us feels we've crossed over
our mutual scope of love, we are sure to let the other know. So after all of my ranting here I can say from
experience that real life love and virtual love do have one thing in common for
both to flourish long term. Communication!
